It's the plague!

Everyone and their mom is sick right now. People in my office are dropping like flies. And more importantly, I feel like shit now. My head is throbbing, I am having temperature changes, my nose is stuffy, and I am hocking up questionable microorganisms from my throat. This sucks. It scares me, too. I think about all those movies about incurable viruses and then the current threats that one of these days, the common cold virus is going to mutate into a big dragon beast that consumes everyone with a less-than-perfect immune system. Someone let me know when the dragon is coming so I can go and do a bunch of crazy and inappropriate things before I die!

Dating.

Dating: It's a word that many people associate with things like romantic dinners, chocolates and fantasies of that first kiss on your doorstep. Many think of the exciting challenges of dating such as anticipating phone calls, picking out what you are going to wear, or formulating the perfect getting-to-know-you date with that special person you are crooning over.

For others, (such as myself) it's a word that bubbles up unpleasant emotions like fear, anxiety, and insecurity; memories of awkward silences, kisses you pray will end, and the phone call you never receive plague my mind when I think of DATING. I have dated a lot. A LOT. I can't say the same about serious relationships, but I have had a lot of those awkward dating moments. I have had some pleasant ones, too of course. However, I am just trying to wrap my mind around this whole dating thing because somehow things still are not working for me in the men department......

Some say to me, "oh Naomi, you just haven't found the right guy." Others are like, "you know, you might be a little too picky." Others are convinced that I simply "want the aloof ones, the ones that I can't have." And even more, others have told me that I "scare guys away with my independence." (hahahaha!).

I had a therapist once who told me that I should just go on a date with anyone that asks me simply for practice. Of course I wouldn't go out with them if they were revolting or a horrible person, but she was convinced that what would be good for me would be practice. So, I have more or less taken that philosophy and run with it since then. I mean, why not? You never know what someone is like until you give them a chance! Lots of times I was happy for that practice and started to feel more comfortable and confident in those awkward situations........ HOWEVER, this philosophy has often times gotten me into an awkward mess of giving someone multiple chances that I know I truly don't like and then making them very sad in the end by letting this go on too long. On the contrary, there is the dating scenario where I give an identified male LOTS of chances that I know deep down probably is not good for me and/or treats me crappy and he and he ends up making ME very, very sad.

Whatever happened to that book "The Rules?" I really feel as though I need that book right now. I need some strict guidelines or something for "fool-proof" dating. I am tired of making bad decisions that end up breaking my heart or someone else's! I am so confused!

This is what my brain looks like on dating (and probably many other neurotic females' brains):

Does he like me? Do I like him? Do I want to have sex with him? Is he a good conversationalist? Is the size of his hands going to be a problem? Should I call him first? Should I let him chase me and call me? Guys like to be chased right? What if he doesn't know that I am interested? So now maybe should I call him first? Ew, is that gel in his hair? Should I have hit on him? Should girls hit on men? If a guy is not hitting on me does that mean he's "just not that into me?" What does that text mean that he just sent? Why did he text and not call? Why didn't he ask me a question over text and just respond with a one word answer? Do no questions mean he is ending the texting conversation and doesn't care how I am? Why didn't he look at me when I walked into the room? Does my hair look shitty? Can he see my muffin top? Does it mean that he likes me when he pays for my lunch? Or was it just because I was talking about how broke I was? Is he looking me in the eyes because he likes me or is simply confident or maybe both? Should I be playing harder to get? Am I being too easy? Am I acting too interested? Am I acting interested enough? Does it mean he doesn't like me when he texts me back instead of returning my phone call? Does it mean we are done for good if he cancels plans? Should I give him another chance if he cancels plans? Does it mean I don't like him if I don't want to make out with him right now? Does it mean he doesn't respect me if he tries to make out with me after the first date or two? Does it mean I don't like him if I don't feel like paying attention to what he is saying at the moment? Does it mean I don't like him if I don't miss him or want to text him all the time? Does it mean I don't like him if I would rather spend time alone than with him? Is it wrong to really detest small hands?

This is my dating experience: a nightmare of neuroticisms and insecurties. I can only hope that I am not alone. Now you can leave this blog entry feeling better about yourselves knowing that either I am more crazy than you are or that you have a partner in the craziness. I don't really know what to do about all of this dating madness and my instinctual reaction is to remove myself from it completely. But, everytime I make a conscious effort to remove myself, some gentleman comes along and I feel the need to just "give it a shot."

Oh baby Jesus, please help my fucked up soul.....