It's the plague!

Everyone and their mom is sick right now. People in my office are dropping like flies. And more importantly, I feel like shit now. My head is throbbing, I am having temperature changes, my nose is stuffy, and I am hocking up questionable microorganisms from my throat. This sucks. It scares me, too. I think about all those movies about incurable viruses and then the current threats that one of these days, the common cold virus is going to mutate into a big dragon beast that consumes everyone with a less-than-perfect immune system. Someone let me know when the dragon is coming so I can go and do a bunch of crazy and inappropriate things before I die!

Dating.

Dating: It's a word that many people associate with things like romantic dinners, chocolates and fantasies of that first kiss on your doorstep. Many think of the exciting challenges of dating such as anticipating phone calls, picking out what you are going to wear, or formulating the perfect getting-to-know-you date with that special person you are crooning over.

For others, (such as myself) it's a word that bubbles up unpleasant emotions like fear, anxiety, and insecurity; memories of awkward silences, kisses you pray will end, and the phone call you never receive plague my mind when I think of DATING. I have dated a lot. A LOT. I can't say the same about serious relationships, but I have had a lot of those awkward dating moments. I have had some pleasant ones, too of course. However, I am just trying to wrap my mind around this whole dating thing because somehow things still are not working for me in the men department......

Some say to me, "oh Naomi, you just haven't found the right guy." Others are like, "you know, you might be a little too picky." Others are convinced that I simply "want the aloof ones, the ones that I can't have." And even more, others have told me that I "scare guys away with my independence." (hahahaha!).

I had a therapist once who told me that I should just go on a date with anyone that asks me simply for practice. Of course I wouldn't go out with them if they were revolting or a horrible person, but she was convinced that what would be good for me would be practice. So, I have more or less taken that philosophy and run with it since then. I mean, why not? You never know what someone is like until you give them a chance! Lots of times I was happy for that practice and started to feel more comfortable and confident in those awkward situations........ HOWEVER, this philosophy has often times gotten me into an awkward mess of giving someone multiple chances that I know I truly don't like and then making them very sad in the end by letting this go on too long. On the contrary, there is the dating scenario where I give an identified male LOTS of chances that I know deep down probably is not good for me and/or treats me crappy and he and he ends up making ME very, very sad.

Whatever happened to that book "The Rules?" I really feel as though I need that book right now. I need some strict guidelines or something for "fool-proof" dating. I am tired of making bad decisions that end up breaking my heart or someone else's! I am so confused!

This is what my brain looks like on dating (and probably many other neurotic females' brains):

Does he like me? Do I like him? Do I want to have sex with him? Is he a good conversationalist? Is the size of his hands going to be a problem? Should I call him first? Should I let him chase me and call me? Guys like to be chased right? What if he doesn't know that I am interested? So now maybe should I call him first? Ew, is that gel in his hair? Should I have hit on him? Should girls hit on men? If a guy is not hitting on me does that mean he's "just not that into me?" What does that text mean that he just sent? Why did he text and not call? Why didn't he ask me a question over text and just respond with a one word answer? Do no questions mean he is ending the texting conversation and doesn't care how I am? Why didn't he look at me when I walked into the room? Does my hair look shitty? Can he see my muffin top? Does it mean that he likes me when he pays for my lunch? Or was it just because I was talking about how broke I was? Is he looking me in the eyes because he likes me or is simply confident or maybe both? Should I be playing harder to get? Am I being too easy? Am I acting too interested? Am I acting interested enough? Does it mean he doesn't like me when he texts me back instead of returning my phone call? Does it mean we are done for good if he cancels plans? Should I give him another chance if he cancels plans? Does it mean I don't like him if I don't want to make out with him right now? Does it mean he doesn't respect me if he tries to make out with me after the first date or two? Does it mean I don't like him if I don't feel like paying attention to what he is saying at the moment? Does it mean I don't like him if I don't miss him or want to text him all the time? Does it mean I don't like him if I would rather spend time alone than with him? Is it wrong to really detest small hands?

This is my dating experience: a nightmare of neuroticisms and insecurties. I can only hope that I am not alone. Now you can leave this blog entry feeling better about yourselves knowing that either I am more crazy than you are or that you have a partner in the craziness. I don't really know what to do about all of this dating madness and my instinctual reaction is to remove myself from it completely. But, everytime I make a conscious effort to remove myself, some gentleman comes along and I feel the need to just "give it a shot."

Oh baby Jesus, please help my fucked up soul.....

So Ronery

What do you know? It's Monday night and I am still in Portland with two more days to go. Oh Baby Jesus, please let me make it home. I am particularly sad knowing that a group of my friends are out having drinks right now without me. All of us girls were actually able to get together and they are going to be there while my ass is here. Alone. Bored. and Cold. Boo.

So, I actually made it out of the house today and did some things with friends which was more than I expected. I did conquer the Bolognese! I just finished it and now I can't move off the couch to even clean it up. I made the semi-mistake earlier tonight of taking this guy up on hanging out. This particular fellow and I had been on a few dates and on our third date I realized the chemistry, shit-giving, connection, whatever you want to call it just wasn't there. So, I let him know a little while after my passive aggressive stage of avoiding emails and texts that I just wasn't feeling it. His response? He told me that if I ever wanted to hang out with no pressure, no strings attached, that was no problem. "Awesome" I thought. This could be a bonifide booty call if I feel like having one. That's right.

So, tonight when he wanted to hang out, I invited him over to watch some Mad Men. Turns out, with or without strings, there was nothing there between us. To the point of being pretty damn awkward. Lack of conversation, no laughs at my (obviously) funny jokes, and no desire for a 'bonifide booty call.'

Oh well. I think situations like this are why I end up simply hanging out by myself. It's just easier. Not awkward and/or forced. Why am I in mental health again? Why do I work with people? The other day someone called me a "people person." God, what a joke. I feel like a total misanthrope more than half of the time I have interactions with human kind. Ah well. I'm getting sleepy from spaghetti and must rest my head.

And I'm out.....

stuck so fuck (it)

So, my fears have come to fruition. I am stuck in Portland. If Mother Nature cooperates (so far she's been a mega-bitch but I have hope....), I will be on a flight on Christmas Eve Day. Bustin' up in NC like Santa Clause without a sleigh.

So far, I have been attempting to make 'lemonade out of lemons.' It's ended up being more like Mike's Hard Lemonade except not the kind of booze you steal from a bunch of high school kids. Remember Zima? This is very similar to Mike's Hard Lemonade methinks. I think I puked after drinking a few in high school purely from the sugar content alone. Gross.


Anyhoo, I went to my friend Katie's yesterday and we had a super-awesome time. That is, after I had about a 4 hour pity party for myself and complained to everyone I could get on the phone or via text message. Then, I simply started boozing it up. Nothing works better than drowning your sorrows in a bottle of Cabernet..... or Cote Du Rhone.... or some Rum.... or all three works great, too! The night ended with me falling asleep (errr... passing out) on hold with Southwest airlines to see if I could book an earlier flight or just charm my way into standby. I found the phone open on the pillow next to me this morning. 10 points for Rum. 0 points for Naomi.

Katie and I also watched the first few episodes of the new show, "Mad Men." I have to say, I am totally hooked. That show is pretty sweet and I can't wait to see what happens in this virtual world of Manhattan advertisement in the 50's. While at the Meridian (which was packed btw), Katie told this hilarious story about how she somehow manipulated her evil ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend to make out with her ex-boyfriend's sister (neither one of them knew that eacother were related to the boyfriend at the time). Best story of revenge ever!! Too bad Katie was half passed out during all the debauchery...



Wow, I am realizing while writing this what a bunch of drunks our generation is. I think we just like to enjoy ourselves. There is nothing wrong with that! right? right? right? right? right?

Well, two more days to go until I get out of this snow-hell. I think I am good on snow for a long time. Fuck. this. shit. Seriously. So, today I am going to try and be as positive and happy-go-lucky as possible which we all know is an enormous challenge for me as I thrive off of misery and self deprication. Not really but kind of. I think I am going to brave a authentic spaghetti bolognese from an Italian cookbook that my stepmom and I found (which, btw, I will purchasing on my credit card because I am slowly running out of money due to this unexpected weather...). It is going to take about 4 hours to cook this Bolognese!!! Do I have anything better to do? NO!! So why not make a four hour bolognese??

It's really not that bad here. I kid, I kid. I just wanna go home and see my mommy. That's all really. Wish me luck. My negative ass needs it.

Panic attack ahhhhh!

So, I am supposed to go to Raleigh tomorrow and what do you know? It just so happens that in Portland we are getting more snow than in 10 years or something like that! Well, I have been watching the news and having more and more reasons to have multiple panic attacks. "cancellations till Tuesday, Southwest (my airline) canceling flights, freezing rain on top of feet of snow, "flight catching on fire in Denver" (the airport I connect at..... AHHHH! I can't stop watching the news and it is making me feel like an old granny complaining about every worry under the sun.

I am going to be super bummed if I don't get out of this town really soon. First of all, I have no food and no more money. I spent it all on Christmas presents with the intention of just eating at my mom's house for the rest of the month! I know.... total mooching 28 yr. old child. But, being broke is no joke. Christmas when you are poor, however is a joke.

Most importantly, I am really missing home right now. I just want to go back to the south. I can't tell you why but sometimes I really miss that assbackwards place. There might be a lot of stupid people there but there are less pretentious ones which I feel like I can appreciate at this moment in my life. I feel like lately I have been surrounded by people who think they are so smart, hip, interesting, and amazing. Maybe this is just people in general, but I do think it can be the side effect of living in a city. Everyone is competing with each other. Everyone wants to be the most fashionable, the most well-read, the most artistic, and the most "functional." Witnessing all of this competing gives me a goddamn headache. So, what ends up happening? I stay home. I spend a lot of time alone. And strangely enough, I like it. I have found lately that sometimes I am happiest when completely by myself with no expectations from anyone or anything at all. Maybe I am avoiding the world and all it's woes, but at least I am finding contentment somewhere..... even if it is alone at the moment.

So tomorrow I am going to have to gear up, ride the bus to the Max line and the Max line to the airport. That is, if my flight is still leaving PDX. I am not going to lie; I'm a little scared. This snow is no joke. I am packing my waterproof pants, face mask, extra socks, layering up, and bringing a variety of food. But I am even more scared of not being able to get home. I can only hope that I make soon.... I am really looking forward to seeing my mom and friends this week. And being in a place that is maybe a little less pretentious and a little more fun.

scroogie schmooge.

You know what? When you are broke as shit, Christmas can suck. I wish I was Mr. Hanky and could just poo on Christmas.

The end.

A Plan

I have to say that for the last few months, I have been a bit down in the dumps. It's not because of the one-hundredth guy that didn't work out, not because I'm broke (though that doesn't help), or any general human behavior that tends to chap my ass. It's because that notorious question kept lingering; What am I going to do with my life?

Well Ladies and Gentlemen, I finally have a plan. I have decided that I am going to start taking prerequisites to get into a speech pathology program either at PSU or U of O. I had wanted to go this route for a long time but money, time it takes to get a degree, and just not being sure what I wanted to do has held me back. I don't really know how I am going to pay for all of this but fuck it, I will figure it out. There is always hookin.' There are also loans, scholarships, financial aid (apparently a lot of it for older people like me), and if I am really, really lucky I can score an assistant-ship where my tuition will be paid for. God, that would be amazing. It might end up taking a long time for me to complete all of this but it feels really good to have direction.

It was really getting to me to feel like I was in a rut with no way out. My financial situation is crappy, can't find a new job to save my life (and finances), and every day at work is increasingly annoying. Doing social work for the rest of my life would be the equivalent of poking a fork in my eye for a living. I am really growing to despise it. ANd it bores me. "Oh look, it's another dysfunctional person that can't take care of their kids or accept advice." Same shit, different day. I love the kids, hate all the rest. And sometimes the kids are hard to love when they are throwing rocks at you (there was a recent rock throwing crisis at me in the company van while following a kid that was trying to run away).

I do have to say though; now that I know this isn't going to be my forever job, it makes it easier to do it. I am not as negative and whiny about it.

Anyhoo, this blog entry probably really isn't that interesting to you, but damn, having a plan makes the mental clouds part A LOT. Seriously.