So Ronery

What do you know? It's Monday night and I am still in Portland with two more days to go. Oh Baby Jesus, please let me make it home. I am particularly sad knowing that a group of my friends are out having drinks right now without me. All of us girls were actually able to get together and they are going to be there while my ass is here. Alone. Bored. and Cold. Boo.

So, I actually made it out of the house today and did some things with friends which was more than I expected. I did conquer the Bolognese! I just finished it and now I can't move off the couch to even clean it up. I made the semi-mistake earlier tonight of taking this guy up on hanging out. This particular fellow and I had been on a few dates and on our third date I realized the chemistry, shit-giving, connection, whatever you want to call it just wasn't there. So, I let him know a little while after my passive aggressive stage of avoiding emails and texts that I just wasn't feeling it. His response? He told me that if I ever wanted to hang out with no pressure, no strings attached, that was no problem. "Awesome" I thought. This could be a bonifide booty call if I feel like having one. That's right.

So, tonight when he wanted to hang out, I invited him over to watch some Mad Men. Turns out, with or without strings, there was nothing there between us. To the point of being pretty damn awkward. Lack of conversation, no laughs at my (obviously) funny jokes, and no desire for a 'bonifide booty call.'

Oh well. I think situations like this are why I end up simply hanging out by myself. It's just easier. Not awkward and/or forced. Why am I in mental health again? Why do I work with people? The other day someone called me a "people person." God, what a joke. I feel like a total misanthrope more than half of the time I have interactions with human kind. Ah well. I'm getting sleepy from spaghetti and must rest my head.

And I'm out.....

stuck so fuck (it)

So, my fears have come to fruition. I am stuck in Portland. If Mother Nature cooperates (so far she's been a mega-bitch but I have hope....), I will be on a flight on Christmas Eve Day. Bustin' up in NC like Santa Clause without a sleigh.

So far, I have been attempting to make 'lemonade out of lemons.' It's ended up being more like Mike's Hard Lemonade except not the kind of booze you steal from a bunch of high school kids. Remember Zima? This is very similar to Mike's Hard Lemonade methinks. I think I puked after drinking a few in high school purely from the sugar content alone. Gross.


Anyhoo, I went to my friend Katie's yesterday and we had a super-awesome time. That is, after I had about a 4 hour pity party for myself and complained to everyone I could get on the phone or via text message. Then, I simply started boozing it up. Nothing works better than drowning your sorrows in a bottle of Cabernet..... or Cote Du Rhone.... or some Rum.... or all three works great, too! The night ended with me falling asleep (errr... passing out) on hold with Southwest airlines to see if I could book an earlier flight or just charm my way into standby. I found the phone open on the pillow next to me this morning. 10 points for Rum. 0 points for Naomi.

Katie and I also watched the first few episodes of the new show, "Mad Men." I have to say, I am totally hooked. That show is pretty sweet and I can't wait to see what happens in this virtual world of Manhattan advertisement in the 50's. While at the Meridian (which was packed btw), Katie told this hilarious story about how she somehow manipulated her evil ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend to make out with her ex-boyfriend's sister (neither one of them knew that eacother were related to the boyfriend at the time). Best story of revenge ever!! Too bad Katie was half passed out during all the debauchery...



Wow, I am realizing while writing this what a bunch of drunks our generation is. I think we just like to enjoy ourselves. There is nothing wrong with that! right? right? right? right? right?

Well, two more days to go until I get out of this snow-hell. I think I am good on snow for a long time. Fuck. this. shit. Seriously. So, today I am going to try and be as positive and happy-go-lucky as possible which we all know is an enormous challenge for me as I thrive off of misery and self deprication. Not really but kind of. I think I am going to brave a authentic spaghetti bolognese from an Italian cookbook that my stepmom and I found (which, btw, I will purchasing on my credit card because I am slowly running out of money due to this unexpected weather...). It is going to take about 4 hours to cook this Bolognese!!! Do I have anything better to do? NO!! So why not make a four hour bolognese??

It's really not that bad here. I kid, I kid. I just wanna go home and see my mommy. That's all really. Wish me luck. My negative ass needs it.

Panic attack ahhhhh!

So, I am supposed to go to Raleigh tomorrow and what do you know? It just so happens that in Portland we are getting more snow than in 10 years or something like that! Well, I have been watching the news and having more and more reasons to have multiple panic attacks. "cancellations till Tuesday, Southwest (my airline) canceling flights, freezing rain on top of feet of snow, "flight catching on fire in Denver" (the airport I connect at..... AHHHH! I can't stop watching the news and it is making me feel like an old granny complaining about every worry under the sun.

I am going to be super bummed if I don't get out of this town really soon. First of all, I have no food and no more money. I spent it all on Christmas presents with the intention of just eating at my mom's house for the rest of the month! I know.... total mooching 28 yr. old child. But, being broke is no joke. Christmas when you are poor, however is a joke.

Most importantly, I am really missing home right now. I just want to go back to the south. I can't tell you why but sometimes I really miss that assbackwards place. There might be a lot of stupid people there but there are less pretentious ones which I feel like I can appreciate at this moment in my life. I feel like lately I have been surrounded by people who think they are so smart, hip, interesting, and amazing. Maybe this is just people in general, but I do think it can be the side effect of living in a city. Everyone is competing with each other. Everyone wants to be the most fashionable, the most well-read, the most artistic, and the most "functional." Witnessing all of this competing gives me a goddamn headache. So, what ends up happening? I stay home. I spend a lot of time alone. And strangely enough, I like it. I have found lately that sometimes I am happiest when completely by myself with no expectations from anyone or anything at all. Maybe I am avoiding the world and all it's woes, but at least I am finding contentment somewhere..... even if it is alone at the moment.

So tomorrow I am going to have to gear up, ride the bus to the Max line and the Max line to the airport. That is, if my flight is still leaving PDX. I am not going to lie; I'm a little scared. This snow is no joke. I am packing my waterproof pants, face mask, extra socks, layering up, and bringing a variety of food. But I am even more scared of not being able to get home. I can only hope that I make soon.... I am really looking forward to seeing my mom and friends this week. And being in a place that is maybe a little less pretentious and a little more fun.

scroogie schmooge.

You know what? When you are broke as shit, Christmas can suck. I wish I was Mr. Hanky and could just poo on Christmas.

The end.

A Plan

I have to say that for the last few months, I have been a bit down in the dumps. It's not because of the one-hundredth guy that didn't work out, not because I'm broke (though that doesn't help), or any general human behavior that tends to chap my ass. It's because that notorious question kept lingering; What am I going to do with my life?

Well Ladies and Gentlemen, I finally have a plan. I have decided that I am going to start taking prerequisites to get into a speech pathology program either at PSU or U of O. I had wanted to go this route for a long time but money, time it takes to get a degree, and just not being sure what I wanted to do has held me back. I don't really know how I am going to pay for all of this but fuck it, I will figure it out. There is always hookin.' There are also loans, scholarships, financial aid (apparently a lot of it for older people like me), and if I am really, really lucky I can score an assistant-ship where my tuition will be paid for. God, that would be amazing. It might end up taking a long time for me to complete all of this but it feels really good to have direction.

It was really getting to me to feel like I was in a rut with no way out. My financial situation is crappy, can't find a new job to save my life (and finances), and every day at work is increasingly annoying. Doing social work for the rest of my life would be the equivalent of poking a fork in my eye for a living. I am really growing to despise it. ANd it bores me. "Oh look, it's another dysfunctional person that can't take care of their kids or accept advice." Same shit, different day. I love the kids, hate all the rest. And sometimes the kids are hard to love when they are throwing rocks at you (there was a recent rock throwing crisis at me in the company van while following a kid that was trying to run away).

I do have to say though; now that I know this isn't going to be my forever job, it makes it easier to do it. I am not as negative and whiny about it.

Anyhoo, this blog entry probably really isn't that interesting to you, but damn, having a plan makes the mental clouds part A LOT. Seriously.

On a Budget Schmudget

I think there is a line in a 90's song by Everclear (who I find usually pretty LAME) that says something along the lines of "if you say money is the root of all evil you've obviously never been poor." I know that is not the exact line, but it's the concept.

So, true I must say. After working for many years in the mental health field with people who struggle to make ends meet, you find that "therapeutic interventions" can only go so far if basic needs aren't even being met.

That being said, when you find yourself in a financial bind, there are some things that one can do for entertainment that do not cost much money. Exhibit A:

The New 90210: Not only are there new, rich, bitchy, good looking characters to stare at and live vicariously through, but some of the old-golden bitches are back! Brenda is back to her old ways; trying to sleep with Kelly's sloppy seconds AGAIN! My personal favorite thing though is that there is a character who is most definitely classified as the "bitchiest" (and probably the smartest) named Naomi. This makes me proud. Nobody puts Naomi in the corner.

Yes, I know it's trash. Yes, I know the dialogue is HORRIBLE. Yes, I know that it is a show for teens that focuses on fashion and all the girls are rail thin. I know it's bad. But, when my roomie and I watched it once, we were immediate fans! It's total crack. I can't stop staring at the beautiful people with so much money and no REAL problems! I am ashamed of myself and using my budget as an excuse.

Truthfully, I don't really have any other budget ideas I would like to share at this time. I just had to confess my new obsession to something other than a real live human in order to escape the disgusted face they would make at me :)

Interviews..... ahhhhh!

So, for the hundreth time (it feels), I had an interview this morning. No matter how much I prepare, it always is nerve wrecking for me. This time, I literally wrote out all the answers to questions that I could have been asked. I felt pretty darn prepared. But, then I get to these things and feel like my head is going to explode. They ask me questions and I end up sounding like an overly-positive-bullshitting buffoon. I mean, how am I supposed to give you a demonstration of how I would utilize my "time management skills" if I don't know what the hell it is I am supposed to be doing in this position, this "pretend" position in my mind? I always walk out of these interviews feeling already defeated; feeling like I didn't answer the questions correctly or with enough detail. Ahhhhhh, the analyzation is driving me crazy......

Obamayay!

Yay! I didn't think this would actually happen, but it did! What a wonderful night it was.... I was at my friend Katie's watching her make 12 pounds of potato salad and preparing to go to a local bar to hear the coverage and BAM! Who is on the radio conceding but none other than John McCain! We just started screaming! McCain's speech was quite impressive though; he seems a lot more gracious and supportive of Obama than his supporters.

The scene in Portland was just bubbling over in enthusiasm for our new president. People yelling in the streets, honking their horns, setting off fireworks! We ended up at the Aalto to watch his acceptance speech and have some celebatory drinks; there were plenty of tears shed and strangers clinking beer glasses during and after his amazing speech. It really was quite a beautiful scene. Even for the biggest of cynics....

Really?

Why people? Why? She shoots Moose for fun yet does not believe in abortion for rape victims. This is irony if I have ever witnessed it. Moreover, I have way more "foreign policy" experience than this ex-pageant queenie. Ew! She was in a pageant! Do you remember how gross those people were in high school? It's the same deal here folks!

I guess I am just having a reaction to a woman telling me that she really likes Sarah Palin. This female is a pretty intelligent woman at that. I just don't get it.... How can an intelligent woman be down with another woman saying things like "six pack Joe." Or saying things like Obama affiliates with terrorists? Please give me a break. Obama is running for president; do you really think that he would have got the nomination if he "affiliated with terrorists?" That's ridiculous. And on the "six pack Joe" phenomenon, I can somewhat understand trying to relate to people of a different "culture," but this is just blatant dumbing down to the public. But then again, certain members of our public seem to love being dumbed down to. Maybe that says more about them than Sarah Palin. I guess she is just playing the old game. Good for her for being stupid to get votes!

Either way, if Hillary was dead, she would be rolling over in her grave right now.
And seriously? What is up with the hairdo? I am tired of seeing a bee hive in the 21st century. That's right, I am taking stabs anywhere I can.

"He needs to see some poo."

Oh boy today started off weird and it's not even 10 am yet! So, as you may or may not know, Maggie and I live off a very busy road. There is a lot of traffic, not to mention foot traffic. Translation: homeless traffic. We have a very large, awesome backyard that apparently just beckons people to it. So, occasionally the Mags and I will find things like empty food containers or other misplaced items in our backyard the next morning. It's a little creepy for me to realize that there was a stranger right outside my window in the middle of the night. Not so comforting.

As a result of the mini-presents we have been left (mostly garbage and such) we have "encouraged" our landlord to get started on that fence he has been talking about for almost a year now. No matter how many times we have told him about separate instances, there has been no talk/movement on that fence. He has come over and we've talked about "fence lines" but no calls to tell us, "coming over on the blankity blank to build that fence."

Well, this morning I was lounging at the crib and let Cheeky out to play in the yard and noticed that there was a seemingly empty white plastic bag on our sidewalk (to the back door). Well, as I bent down to pick it up I saw poo........... everywhere! It was all over the bag and bit and pieces on the sidewalk. Groooossssssssssssss!

Okay, so my first thought was; someone left their doggie-poo bag in our backyard (versus our accessible trash can) and just haphazardly threw it; then maybe an animal got a hold of it. However it was later that I noticed that our garden hose was not in it's place; where I always leave it. It was just thrown on the sidewalk next to the poo stains. Oh the horror! Someone must have taken a dump in a bag?! Dumped it on our sidewalk?! Tried to clean themselves and/or the poo with the hose?! Oh the horror......

Oh baby Jesus we need a fence. I can't have people taking dumps outside my window while I am slumbering in peace. So, after consulting with the Mags, I am going to call my landlord and see what he wants to do. Maybe mention the fence again for the millionth time. Oh and see if he can clean up the poo stains. I think he need to see some poo.

Let's diagnose you!

Today I stayed home sick. Yes, I was legitimately sick. During the whole of the day, I went outside once for about 10 minutes (to eat my lunch in the sun), checked my email several times, but mainly laid in my bed and slept. It is 7:15pm right now and the only social contact I have had has been with my roommate Maggie ever since she got home around 6:30. And, I have to say; having no social contact with anyone all day has been great! No polite smiles to strangers, no pleasantries to coworkers on the sidewalks, no double checks on my sweater to see if someone saw that I spilled food on it again, and no driving anxiety which often necessitates the giving of the bird to some reckless jack-ass. No, I was forced to do none of these things today because of my simple hermitage. Does this make me prone to agoraphobia? Or maybe true misanthropy? I mean, I always been deeply disturbed by the actions of many people and felt a general apathy towards lots of people. And if I am a misanthrope does that I mean I am a sociopath? Can I actually truly relate to people or is it just a pretend game to accomplish a means to an end? Sociopaths are usually serial killers, too..... uh oh. Am I going to be the next Bay Harbor Butcher? Whoa guys, this is a serious thought. I mean seriously, do I need medication? Should I see a therapist?

Hell no.

Not that I shouldn't see a therapist for other reasons. Actually I think everyone could benefit from going to talk to someone and gaining insight on themselves. But, back to the main idea here; diagnosing others.

Which brings me to my next monologue.....

Although I was a psychology major and work in mental health, I can't stand it when people in my field (mental health and/or social work) try to diagnose EVERYTHING. It's so obnoxious. First of all, in order to diagnose someone you have to gather lots of information and truly understand that person's motivations, emotions, and actions. That is an extremely tall order. Even with the schooling and education on diagnosing, different psychologists notoriously have different diagnoses for the SAME person because you know what? They are human and every individual has their own interpretations of reality. I find that a lot of therapists and mental health workers spend endless amounts of time trying to figure out the diagnosis of a person while simultaneously limiting their efforts in thinking about what they can do to help this person move forward, be more functional. I find it really repulsive that they are constantly feeding their "knowledge ego" (you know.... "I know more than you" ego) while forgetting what it is they are actually supposed to be doing professionally: helping someone.

Also, diagnosing someone is a label. A label that might enable or disable that person later on in life depending how the cookie crumbles. It is serious business. A lot of mental health providers that are so used to slapping labels and explanations on everything that they become desensitized to this process.

Anyhow, I am going to get off my soapbox now and leave you with a picture from one of my favorite movies regarding "mental health."

You know, maybe I really am a misanthrope but chances are that all my friends are too at one moment or another. Everyone has varying emotions, motivations and actions depending on the day. The only constant in life is change.

Brain Explosion and Other Issues

I have a massive headache and it feels like I just need to pump some water into my brain so that it will float a little better. Then maybe it would not feel like my brains are being slowly pushed out of my skull. Hmmm... I wonder what actually causes headaches. If you know, please share.

So, I am going through quite a crisis in my home life: I have two roommates who absolutely hate each other and both just love me. I try to get them together during calm times and encourage them to get along but it just doesn't work. They stare each other down and won't stay in the same room with each other for more than five minutes. They are constantly stealing one another's food and having spats over where they are going to sit in the living room. It really is getting quite redundant. It's started to make me very aware of dividing my attentions between them, too. I feel like if I spend time with one roommate, then I need to spend equal time with the other roommate so that jealousy doesn't ensue. So frustrating! And just when I think things might be getting better (like we have a few good days/moments), I hear them fighting and have to run over from where ever I am to break it up! I just hope they don't draw blood one day......

What can I say? Kitty and Chloe just have so much love to give and want to give it all to me! I don't understand why we all can't just be one happy family. Cats; they are so Alpha-ish..... all of them! Just Ridiculous. I love them though; they are such fascinating, beautiful and hilarious creatures.

Halloween is Awesome. Period.

I just love Halloween. You get to dress up and express yourself in any way; appropriate or not (I am personally not a huge fan of the slut look as it is over played and prefer the gory/scary/weird/creepy do's). You can come out of your shell and embrace your inner weirdo and no one questions you; you will get more questions not being dressed up (I personally love to harass people that don't dress up. It makes me mad that they can't embrace the evil!) What is not to love? There is endless amounts of candy, creepy music, and fun decorations that are not even remotely close to looking pristine (for those that appreciate the creative and not necessarily the expensive Christmas-like decor).

Halloween is during fall which is also an amazing time of year; the leaves are changing and chances are; you are too. Wink, wink. Don't I sound like Mr. Rogers?

Anyhoo, I had my taste of Halloween a few weeks ago at the infamous masquerade ball in Corvallis. It was loads of fun and I really think the halloweenish decorations and dressing up put people in a fab mood. I had a good time for many a reason....... See pictures above to get excited about this fantastic satanist holiday (envision Church Lady now too....)!!

The Blog Thing

Hello there people out in the computer sphere. I started this blog mainly because sometimes I have some things I really wish to share with others. Other times, I feel the need to write things down and dissect them so I don't feel so crazy inside..... (it beats crawling up in fetal postion in the corner of my bathroom floor).

Lately I have been very confused about life. I know everyone says that; blah, blah blah. You know, that quarter life crisis thing that everyone and their mom seems to be going through. But, the truth is that I have been confused for a long time. I mean a VERY long time. I think that I am just in a virtual state of confusion. I have never had a clear grasp on what I want to do with my life. How are you supposed to know what you want to do if you haven't experienced it yet? I have never really been sure about relationships.... I think I like someone, then I don't. I think I like someone, then they don't like me. I think I don't like someone, then I end up liking them only until it's too late.

All this confusion often leaves me in a state of stagnant blah-ness. Very stagnant. It can be hard even wanting to relate to others. Isolating can be good at times to clear your head but everyone needs social contact and isolating for too long begins to make me socially retarded. Everyone wants to share that human bond but it can be exceedingly difficult to relate to ANYONE, even those you thought were friends, at times. It's so easy to lose your faith in human beings when people's actions don't always promote love and well being. I just wish that I could see things more clearly sometimes with slightly more accurate insight. Maybe I should be constantly tripping on mushrooms so that I could be completely certain of the "epiphanies" I was experiencing and wouldn't be so damn confused all the time. So for now, I appreciate those few friends who really are a blessing in my life. I am fully aware of the fact that I will whine and moan until the end of my time, but I really appreciate these people more than I can express. Without them, I would be in a padded room by now.

A Sense of Accomplishment.

Cooking. When the final project comes out, I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment. It does not really matter to me whether the dish is amazingly tasty or not; it's always a learning process that you can use to gain information from to apply to future recipes. I really like everything about food; going to the grocery store, chopping up food, smelling food, the way it makes people happy.

I am not usually so positive about hard work (being a hedonist and all) but cooking really just blows my hair back. Thought I might share.